Shit I email or: How I learned to stop worrying and think I'm fucking funny

So basically, here's some of my favourite reply-all emails I do site wide at work. I think I'm funny, I'm happy to admit that. But then again, who doesn't think they're funny?

I've redacted names and the like for people's privacy, obviously. Let's begin!



September 3rd 2013

Email:
Hi All, REDACTED has misplaced his REDACTED book from the back of the canteen. The book is 'old' and blue, it has three orange tabs along the pages. It was left on the top of the freezer in the back of the canteen while he was busy serving. It's REALLY important that he gets this book back because it contains information that he is need for his final exam. If you have picked it up accidentally can you please return it to him.

Reply:

Oh whoops. I’m getting married in a couple of months and thought I’d take it as Bernadette’s something old and blue… Sorry about that.




October 30th 2013

Email:

There are some marrow bones available from the REDACTED. Please collect them by the end of today

Reply:

I was wondering what I’d do for lunch…



December 10th 2013

Email:

Why not go for a wander over the next couple of days?
See if you can find the office that:
- actually has some francensense (don't bother to reply with the correct spelling, I don't care)
- has the motto "more is more"
- has an Elvis baby Jesus in their nativity
- managed to feature themselves in a display
- managed to feature the boss in a display Have fun

Reply:

Sorry REDACTED, but I have to;

It's spelled "Frankenstein" and I'm guessing he's in Science.

February 6th 2014

Email:

Hi All. 

I am after some maps, road, country world. any size old atlases. a y12 student needs to use them for REDACTED.If you have any you no longer need we would love to have them . Either drop in my pigeon hole or REDACTED.

Thanks

Reply:

I’ve got a map of the school you can have…

March 7th 2014

Email:

If you’re interested in mini golf as a HG activity, the 3 putters are in the library now, not on REDACTED desk, ready to borrow.

Has anyone got a putter that could be donated for this activity, looking for 2, if possible.

Also, any excess, old, GOLF balls, too, would be appreciated.

No jokes, Christian

Cheers

Reply:

Would, I, do, that?

May 16th 2014

Email:

Hi Everyone,

We are missing our ICT USB DVD Drive.

If you have borrowed it, can you please return it to us today.

If it is returned today, we promise all will be forgiven…

Reply:

And we promise to try and minimize the use of initialisms next time.

But seriously, please return ASAP.

May 21st 2014

Email:

The 5th generation farmer has sold the farm and we are looking for somewhere to live in Semester 2 . If anyone knows of anything coming up in July to rent or house sit for 6 months, could you please keep me and REDACTED in mind.

Reply:

New TV show? The Farmer Wants A Home?

May 28th 2014:

Email:

Hi everyone,

I need a no-fail kite pattern suitable for primary school children.

Please send links etc to me asap.

Thanks

Reply:

I’m pretty sure this one is suitable for children:

http://www.my-best-kite.com/make-a-dopero-kite.html

Reply-all Response:

Hmmmm… I was sure it was too good to be true that Christian would send a sensible reply.

Thanks Christian. Can you please do a workshop on this for the staff?

My Reply:

Yep, got instructions for that here too:

http://www.instructables.com/id/Building-a-DIY-Complete-Workshop/

June 18th 2014:

Email:

The Farmer and his wife are and need a removalists! Does anyone know of a good and reliable one?

Reply:

I’m pretty good at removing… Not so good at returning though.

June 27th 2014:

Email:

Hi all,

I’m considering my options re NBN service providers and am getting more confused with my research.

If anyone (other than Christian) has advice or a recommendation, please let me know.

Huge thanks and have a restful holiday,

Reply:

It’s only my area of expertise, but whatevs.

August 11th 2014:

Email:

Hi all,

If you have taught in REDACTED, you may have left your Black Pepper Size 12 cardigan in there. I have handed it in to the Main Office.

Reply:

Not mine, but I have lost a black powder 12 gauge. Anyone found that yet?

November 20th 2014:

Email:

Hi,

Does anyone have a copy of twister I could please borrow for an extra?

Thanks

Reply:

The game or the movie...? It'll be a weird extra if it's the board game

March 20th 2015:

Email:

Hi

I have a number of items (jumpers, t shirts, socks, jocks, towels, runners, drink bottle, shorts) that were left behind at the 1st Yr 7 camp - BOY'S CABINS.  They have been washed, dried and folded.  All looking for a home. If you wish to claim any item come to the JSC. Next week they will be going to the Salvos if no one claims.

Thanks

Reply:

Hmmm, I could use some new jocks… Year 7 camp you say? Yeah I’d probably fit into them.

April 15th 2015:

Email:

Hi Guys,

Trying to help out a young REDACTED year old who is missing the following Dominoes numbers 15,25,32 and 40. I would appreciate it if anyone has these particular dominoes and is willing to pass them on to me for REDACTED. Sorry to inconvenience anyone with a non- school request .

Cheers

Reply:

The number for Dominos is (03) 5833 4477

Glad I could help

July 21st 2015:

Email:

Students are arriving in skins and telling teachers they are wearing them for PE. The PE uniform is navy track pants or green shorts. Skins do not appear on the uniform list. Students wearing skins are out of uniform. 

thanks

Reply:

Buffalo Bill had the same policy

December 3rd 2015:

Email:

Someone has put a package containing a lovely REDACTED in my pigeonhole..KK doesn’t start until the week after next!

However, please let me know who you are so I can say thank you. It was a very nice gesture.

Or if you want to take the credit for something you didn’t do – that’s all right, too….looking at you, Christian…

Reply:

No worries REDACTED, I’m glad you like them

April 28th 2016:

Email:

Hi All,  

I am taking a group of students to the Magistrates Court in REDACTED on Monday 2nd May periods 1 and 2. Would anyone like to come as an additional staff member? Let me know. 

Thank you. 

Reply:

I’ll already be there as a defendant on Monday 2nd, so I guess I’ll see you there

July 28th 2016:

Email:

Where has the binding machine gone? I need to bind a script for school production this morning but the machine is no longer in the photocopy room.

Reply:

I’ll return it asap. Thought it was a bondage machine and was bitterly disappointed when I got it home.

September 13th 2016:

Email:

The year 10 Rights and Freedoms excursion to the REDACTED has been cancelled due to weather. Students please go to class as normal. 

Reply:

Way to crush their Rights and Freedoms

December 14th 2016:

Email:

If you’d like a sausage we have plenty up here at the REDACTED.

Reply:

Plenty of sausage in the IT office too…

February 9th 2017:

Email:

Hi all,

The official WPSC Stamp has gone missing from the front office (outwards mailbox), can you please

return it ASAP if you have it.

Cheers

Reply:

Sorry about that. I heard something about stamp collections being worth a lot of money. My mistake. I’ll return it… Don’t ‘spose you’ll give me $50 for it?

June 15th 2017:

Email:

Hi

If anyone is interested in attending the deb on the staff table please email me and let me know. 

Thanks

Reply:

That’s a really small space to perform an entire deb ball. Is it just on one table, or are they going to dance across many?

December 13th 2017:

Email:

The REDACTED office are seeking a soy milk drinker who would like some 250ml UHT Mocha flavoured soy milk.

If no one claims today, they will go in the bin.

Thanks

Reply:

I just want milk that tastes like real milk…

December 18th 2017:

Email:

Hi everyone,

Has anyone seen the eskies from the staff room? I need them for REDACTED Pool tomorrow.

Cheers,

Reply:

How many eskies were there?.. I don’t think the pool will fit

October 23rd 2018:

Email:

Black Jacqui E cardigan found in REDACTED today

Reply:

I found a black and red Jackie O cardigan on the motorcade… So, almost right.

Well that was fun to go through. No wonder nobody likes me at work...